rothko

"silence is so accurate."
                       ~mark rothko

fashion week

i missed my stop on the bus and stumbled upon fashion week. i did not stand around hoping to see a 'star'. with the filming of gossip girl at my office i have hit my annual quota for 'star' sightings. but i did take a photo.

new works

hell no.

in the words of the drive by truckers. 'hell no, i ain't happy. but i ain't that crappy, that crappy at all."

today i bought a griddle.

today

today i did not live. i was a shadow,
and there was no sun.
i woke up with the desire to be invisible,
that is when I think living might be fun.

when i am the only one around,
i can be whomever I choose.
i can be brunette, tall and thin,
with a personality that can amuse.

but most of the time it is not really fun.
i wonder what it would be like to live in the sun.

escape

what can I do?
who can I be?
where can I go?
to escape me.

choices

your not still a vegetarian, are you?
yes, i spell out across my plate with triangular bits of pot roast.
louise redd, playing the bones

today i created

'little bird 1'
inspired by this.


and by this.

and by the be good tonyas.

when life was easy

me and charlie

i've developed a new philosophy... i only dread one day at a time.
~ charlie brown

running.

why do i run? i hate it. i am slow. it hurts my back. it makes me nauseous and sometimes i even throw up. my feet barely leave the pavement. i see my friends run and they are so bouncy. i am not bouncy. i am the polar opposite of bouncy. the other runners in the park make it look so easy. i hate the other runners in the park. it does not even make me thin (only my number one wish of all time – to be thin). so why do i do it? i started running and i am terrible at it so i cannot stop. i am a solitary runner; i do not like to run with other people and only rarely run with my ipod, so it is a good time to think, meditate, pray. races are a good reason to travel. i recently ran a race in the napa valley of california. races - there is a feeling of elation that comes at the end of a race whether it is 3 miles or 13 miles or any mileage in between. i do not know if it comes from having finished a challenge or simply just from the fact that i get to stop. so in the end the answer to the question ‘why do I run?’ is from misery can sometimes come joy.

me and kelli after the napa race.

in no particular order: things that changed my life

• depression
• claude
• reading the grapes of wrath in the summer of ‘89
• signing up for accounting 101
• running
• selling almost everything i owned
• becoming an aunt
• wax
• pain
• loving the wrong one

i wonder...new york city

i am moving...to nyc. that is huge to me. i always thought i was just a dreamer, but in a few short weeks i will cross the line between dreamer and doer. i am amazed. of course, technically i haven't done it yet. but i am so happy and excited about my decision and even relieved to have made a decision that i can't imagine not doing it. i hope it will be something that i learn from and that i love. just like the majority of people i fear failure. so my goal is to stay at least one year, although i would prefer loving it so much that i stay 3 to 5 years. i don't know if i really see myself staying there forever. but one never knows the exact course one's life will take. it can change from one moment to the next and never goes according to my falliable plans. but god knows the plans he has for me and that is a comfort.

i wonder what job i will end up with. i wonder if all the people who say they will come visit will really come visit. i wonder what having a roommate will be like. i wonder if i will discover a different side of my personality. i wonder if i will be able to take art classes. i wonder if my accent will change. i wonder if i will be able to bear the winters. i wonder if i really will love not having a car, like i think i will. i wonder if my dog will forget me. i wonder if this freaking city will eat this yazoo zelda alive and spit her out.

i wonder a lot...

Another Happy Day

my one and only reader blasted me yesterday for not being a better blogger.

well, i have given notice to my employer that i will be leaving here at the end of july. suddenly i am less motivated than ever to get any work done. i can just leave it for the new guy.

under the idea that life is too short and i never take a chance, i am moving to nyc in august. no, i don't have a place to live and no, i don't have a job. as every day goes by, however get more excited and happy and know that no matter what i will grow from the experience. but i am very afraid as well. finding a job scares me in jackson, ms but new york!!!

i have never lived outside of this state. i grew up in yazoo, attended college in oxford, started my career (such that it is) in oxford and moved to jackson for graduate school where i swore i would never live. life never turns out has you dreamed it would as a child. the time went fast and the next thing i knew i was still in jackson buried in concrete. well, i am trying to break free.

Cooking Club

last night i had "cooking club". a bunch of girls get together once a month and we each cook something from a specific cookbook, eat it and then discuss the recipes. first of all i don't really like "groups of girls", secondly, i don't cook. but my friend mary tison asked me join and since i am not real social i decided it would be a good thing to do. and honestly it is sort of fun and everybody is nice to me even though i am a terrible cook. i think i am their "project" and they are trying to see if they can make a chef out of a mess in the kitchen.

well, last night it was my night to cook bread or soup. i chose to prepare "sweet potato biscuits". now michelle told me not to choose a bread, but did i listen to her wise counsel??? NO. i got home from work and took out the ingredients which i had amazingly purchased on monday (planning ahead...A+). i followed the directions explicitly. ok, i knew there was a problem when the dough was not firm but soupy. i thought there is no way that is going to produce a flaky biscuit type thing. i tried cooking them anyway. they turned out more like pancakes in thinkness and consistency. i have no clue what happened. but i loaded them up and took them anyway. i was a little afraid that i would get kicked out of cooking club or at the very least have to report to some sort of disciplinary board. but everyone just sort of laughed. because honestly if anybody is going to screw up they expect it to be me.

Numb

...my mind is blank...probably due to my mind numbing job and the fact that i live in a city with out a soul...both of which suck the creativity and ingenuity right out of me...today i wanted to stay home and garden and clean and create...i need to do some planting since i am behind and i enjoy flowers in my yard during the summer...i need to clean out the junk that is making me panic because i hate to have too much useless stuff around me...i need to paint because if i don't practice i won't improve...

Mark, what do you think?

maybe i will try blogging, too.